For the past 6 years I have debated on whether or not I should try out for American Idol. I’m not the best of singers, but I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t pretty fucking sexy. Isn’t that what really counts anyways? I mean, most of those kids are no talent ass-clowns, but they get to Hollywood based on their looks. Each year some one asks, “Toph, are you going to try out for American Idol?” And each year I respond, “No, I’m going to be fucking.” Yes, fucking is more important to me than winning American Idol. Well, that was until a few years ago when it was announced that Paula Abdul had sex with one of the contestants. Why wasn’t I made aware that I could Rush Rush into Paula’s vag? Or, that we could take two steps forward and one step back in the bedroom? Those are the only Paula Abdul songs I know, sorry. We all know that she loves her some weed, at least it appears so. After hearing that story, I figured that I, like Paula, could blend both my love for American Idol and my love for pokin’. Then from out of the skies, I found Desperate Popstars. I love desperate chicks. These chicks may be the worst singers ever, and isn’t that the best part of American Idol anyways? They are also really fuckin’ hot, and have lots of sex. There may not be a better combination, but yes, there’s more. The two dudes sound like Borat mixed with a donkey. Think about it. So, let’s recap, shall we? Bad singers, Borat, hot chicks, fucking, and Paula Abdul naked… oh wait… never mind.

I have got to find the planet that Katie lives on. Is there a ship that takes me there? Can I drive there? Do I need a passport to get there? What ever it takes, I will be willing to do it, because I have got to fuck Planet Katie. It doesn’t matter what she does or wears, because she is so damn hot. I like to think of her as every man’s dream or at the very least, my dream. She can be blond, brunette, an office slut, a schoolgirl whore, a sexy nurse, just wearing a skirt and thong, or jeans and a tee shirt, and it doesn’t fuckin’ matter. She’s like a sexy chameleon. I’m usually not one to want to fuck reptiles, with the exception of when I saw Mario Bros. the movie, but I don’t mind what Katie is doing… ever. Wait… yeah, remember Mario Bros. the movie? Well there was one chick in Dinohattan that was so damn hot. I wanted to fuck her until she shed her lizard skin. Yes, I was in the 6th grade when it came out, but I was an early bloomer. I thought I should clear that up for you. Anyhow, I present you with the hotness known as Planet Katie. She’s special, and you should beat to her. I’m going to do that……… now.

GAYVN is being hosted in San Francisco this year. Not only is it in my back yard, but it’s being hosted by none other but Kathy Griffin. *sigh* It’s really too bad she didn’t go lesbo after that asshat stole $$ from her. Anyhoo…

If you’re going to be in town, the GAYVN Awards are on February 24th. The red carpet is being hosted by the fabulous Tim & Roma (of NakedSword). Some of you remember me posting about their fabulous talk show back in the day.

Speaking of NakedSword, they’re hosting the GAYVN Afterparty at the Kink.com Porn Palace. It will include dancers from Falcon Studios and Rascal Video. Chi Chi LaRue will be the dee-jaying for the evening. And clearly you’ll all come to party with muoi. Hellooooo!

Seriously. Don’t snooze on this one. It will be a night to remember. I’m going to start the evening off by trying to bang Kathy and end it dancing with the hottest gay boys ever. It’ll be just like prom!