Yes, this is me fingering my coffee…

If you’re a caffeine addict, no orgasm can top that deep exhale after your first taste of coffee in the morning. You can’t fake it. It can’t be denied. Yes, my friends–I’m talking about coffee porn. Studies show that coffee actually taps into the female sex drive. It’s true. It’s sad that I haven’t hooked up more in coffee house bathrooms, really. I’d be into that.

Ladies, are you with me? The folks at esspressoporn.com are. Their blog illustrates the devine connection between espresso drips and cum shots. Super sexy, if you ask me. Here’s another money shot visual…

Check out coffee porn on flickr, and this silly video montage of coffee, Jenna, and Ron Jeremy. Also, remember to buy coffee from girls in panties to enhance the experince.

Miss Tennessee won Miss USA 2007 just now. She looks just slightly more conservative than our last drunken winner. The highlight of the event was the speech by Tara Conner (Miss USA 2006) on her way out. First off, she forgot to wear a bra. …which is awesome. She came out wearing a form fitting red dress and pranced around with her breasts flopping about. She had a Vaseline smile as they played a pre-recorded tape of her mentioning how she owed her life to Donald Trump. …thanking him over and over for giving her a “second chance“. bah!

I hate that her last pretty moment as a spokeswoman was spent apologizing. She’s smokin and was acting her fucking age! Pretty girls should never have to say that they’re sorry. Just my 2 cents, I suppose.

Here’s hoping that Tara Conner ends up in Playboy and that Miss Tennessee gets her drink on. Cheers!

Aight…I know it’s been forever since I’ve posted a free porn friday, but it’s time to bring it back. I mean what else should you be doing on friday? Anyway…I’m pimpin my hawk these days so I figured I’d do a free porn friday punk edition. Hope you’re into it. If not…hit me up in comments and I’ll hook you up with a customized free porn friday. late

Every week I try to bring you guys the hottest girl on the internet, and I’m pretty proud of how well I do it. I mean, I beat to my own post. Actually, when writing, if I don’t beat to it, then I’m not going to post it. I wouldn’t want to do you that disservice. We’re here to keep you whacking. Well, on most days, that is. All is relatively slow in the hot girl world today. I haven’t seen many new chicks that I should alert you about, so instead, I’m bringing you some ugly ones. Why? Think of it as training. We can’t all go home with the hottest chicks, so you have to prepare for the ugly ones. I don’t want you get the wrong idea here. I’m not giving you atrociously horrendous chicks. Wouldn’t that be fucked up? (and kind of funny for me) No, I’m bringing you chicks that are like, “Damn, you’re ugly. You shouldn’t be ugly, though. Why are you ugly? It doesn’t make sense. Here, let me beat to you and see if you’re ugly. Yep, you’re ugly, but I’d fuck you.” I’ve actually had this happen many times in life. With that said, enjoy the ugos.

When you’ve had enough of the ugos, go here, here and here. Remember: God don’t like ugly.

After reading Fleshbot’s awesome article on better searching for japanese porn.  I was really in the mood for some good asian porn.  So I did a little looking around and found this.  It’s not exactly porn, but it’s AWESOME.

Watch the Bukkake Milk Commercial 

I have found the love of my life. Her name is Bailey, and she sits in her room and gets naked. You can find her on Bailey’sRoom.com. Why do I love her so much? She doesn’t take herself too seriously. Is she getting naked for money? Yes, but she sticks her tongue out, crosses her eyes, and has such a sweet ass that it’s OK with me. I also love the little moles on her left tit. I’m not gonna lie, I’d nibble on them. It’s so fucking cute. She’s half Asian and half, um, hot? Poor Bailey was home schooled and was always the “new girl”. It’s kind of strange how she can be both home schooled and the new girl, but I’m not asking questions as long as she stays in her room and gets naked. She started her site to make money for college, because college is expensive. I am going to go out of my way to make sure she gets the best education a girl can get. Just not good enough to make her keep her clothes on. As always, here is her myspace, though it doesn’t appear to be real, and will probably be gone in a week.

It’s been awhile since I did a little searching through the millions of porn esque photos hiding on flickr.  For some reason today I just felt the need to dive in.  And everything happens for a reason cause today I found a fucking gold mine. RealMonsterSahh is the fucking man.  I think it’s a man anyway.  I mean either a man or a lesbian based on all the hot Multiple Hot Chicks photos there are.  And these aren’t just your boring photos either they’re all fucking hot.  But that’s not all don’t you dare not take a peep at some of his other great photo sets which include:  Boobs and Booze, Life Preservers, Self Shots, BBW, and Solo Chicks.  All are fucking as good as the previous.  I have a new best friend. I love flickr porn!

It’s been such a good year for nakedness, rehab, and booze. Can you believe it’s just the beginning of March? I guess March Madness isn’t just for basketball anymore. There are two relatively large non-pornstar porn hub-bubs going on right now, and both you should keep your eyes out for. There is also one non-pornstar porn out, that you need to beat to right now! See, Pornzio looks out for you. Not only do we keep you beating, we keep you informed. Informed, I SAY!

It’s with sad news that I report Antonella Barba was voted off American Idol last night. I tuned in, so you wouldn’t have to, and to that I say, “You’re welcome.” Once again, America got it wrong. Seriously, the reason that hot chicks get voted off and idiots win is because the perverts (you and I) aren’t voting, and the soccer moms are. If you want a reason for Taylor Hicks winning last year, and Katherine McPhee losing, then look at yourself. Sure, I won’t get to pull it during her 2 minutes of horrendous singing, but I might now get to pull it to her videos. Yes, both Girls Gone Wild and Sugarland DVD have extended Antonella spokesperson contracts, both around the $500,000 range. Hopefully, Antonella will realize that the country has already seen her naked, and she’ll need the money. Here’s hoping she’ll step it up. Click her pooping to read more.

In other news, it appears as if the Kim Kardashian sex tape will be released by Vivid Entertainment, and welcomed by me. Kim’s lawyers tried to sue, but Vivid doesn’t give a shit. Here’s the quote from Steven Hirsch co-chairman of Vivid, “I met with Kim yesterday and unfortunately, we didn’t even come close to reaching an agreement. We will now immediately move forward with the release. We still remain open to any further discussion with Kim as we would like her to benefit from sales of the DVD.” I’m not sure of the release date yet, but previews will be up next week on kimksuperstar.com next week. Basically, I
WIN! Click her hotness to read more.

Lastly, Kelley Hazell has a sex tape. If you haven’t seen it yet, where have you been? I am thoroughly disappointed in you. Step it up. She has boobs like no body’s business. I am not even sure how she became famous, or what she’s famous for. Her boobs are reason enough for me. Click her sex and sign up to skinvideo.com to watch the full length tape!

Now I know when you hear the cliche name Hung Lo you picture that same ole same ole pornstar. You know the ripped up tan guy, with no body hair, and a 12 inch penis right? Well you’re fucking wrong. Hung Lo is the best thing in porn since vibrator accessory to the ipod.

Hung Lo is the only true, Chinese-speaking male fuck toy who devastates his white female counterparts with his massive 5″ member. With over a billion Chinese people in the world, these girls will do anything to see why the Chinese are so fertile … as long as Hung Lo is up to the task.

Watch the Trailer of this little penis going to town on hot white women

PornoJackass.com

I miss school. I never got to go a Catholic School, but lucky for me I had plenty of sluts to go around. I miss being able to skip 2nd period because I was fucking in the science lab. That’s when I garnered the obsession with skirts. I would pull my dick out of my pants, and she would move her panties off to the side. I would slide right in, and I would cum in a petrie dish. I was once told that this chick examined my gizz under a microscope, and 9 months later she became pregnant. I don’t think it was a coincidence. One thing inevitably leads to another, and every Friday I was banging cheerleaders. I loved when they wore their outfits to school and Friday was game day. Man, maybe I need to go back to school. Can I go get a second high school diploma? Is that possible? I should probably just stick to finding high school seniors on myspace… Anyhow, here’s all you need to get you through to the end of the semester. Enjoy.