When I think of Paris in jail, I get so sad. …until I think of her playing “bitch sub” to some butch dyke in jail. Glee! Then I get totally stoked about a possible lesbo jail sex tape. I digress…

If you are really worried about Paris going to jail, sign this petition asap. It reads, “This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career and life. Everyone makes mistakes. She didn’t hurt or kill anyone, and she has learned her lesson. She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday. She is distraught and understandably afraid.” LA prosecutors are recommending that Paris Hilton serve a whopping 45 days in jail. Ouch.

Paris Hilton’s attorney, Richard Hutton, issued this statement on her behalf:

“After reading the media’s coverage of my court hearing, I feel the need to correct what I believe are misperceptions about me. I absolutely realize how serious driving under the influence is. I could not live with myself if anyone was injured or killed while I was driving while impaired. Clearly, no one should — no matter how slightly.

I am ready to face the consequences of violating probation.

No one is above the law. I surely am not. I do not expect to be treated better than anyone else who violated probation. However, my hope is that I will not be treated worse.”

Fuck it. I signed the petition. Need a more tangible reason to keep Paris free?